Love Me, New York (REDUX)
I wake up in the immense New York summer heat. 

I go to the Idle House bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. Fuck I’m crashing. 

Another 100 invitations today. Today I decided to market exclusively in Red Hook. I’ll walk up and down Court Street today. 

I go to a tattoo shop. Contemplate getting a tattoo. I would have if I had money. 

As I open the shop door I’m smiling, and give my tag line. A woman about my age says, “I love your smile” while she looks at me. I feel good. 

I get back to the studio and the Idle House crew is shooting a Tina Mora set. 

I decide to relax a bit if I can and read my book, “Hillbilly Elegy”. A fitting book to read in America. Before I get too deep into the book Nick comes up and asks me this question, “How are you so grateful?” I’ll remember this question forever because until that moment I wasn’t conscious about gratitude. Nick says he and the Idle House guys went to a leadership camp to learn these attributes, which I have seemingly acquired naturally. This makes me feel really good. He asks me if my family raised me this way. He asks me what my story is, why am I so thankful. I tell him my story, I faced addiction, I have a kid. A lot of things a 22 year old normally doesn’t have. He seems to understand. 

I can’t go back to reading. I need to work.

It’s here I get to meet Thomas, Kat’s boyfriend.

Thomas and I get to talking.

Thomas rides my skateboard with no shoes around the paintings. I feel like I’m in a movie.

As they finish and pack up it starts looking stormy out. They’re all packed up, as they leave Kat asks me if I want to come get food. I would have loved to come but I was so broke and covered in sweat. I had to work. 

It rains heavy for a good 15 minutes. All the boys run around closing the windows. When it rains the rain comes in sideways, soaking the floor. So if they don’t get all the windows closed on the one side the studio will flood. 

They leave. I go to the bathroom and use the last of the wet wipes to clean myself. I rub the wet wipe all over my neck. My ankles are sore. My face is drained. I feel the weight of what I am creating. 

This is the night of the fundraiser dance art show back in Kingston. Mike has me send a voice recording of myself to play at the dance party.

This is the night I lay out the next 30 or so cardboard sheets. This is the night I push myself so hard I feel my chest protrude and my stomach sink. I push my body to its extreme. I get the same feeling I had when doing my performance piece “Confessions” at the Market Square in Kingston. It feels like a literal shift happening inside me. At first I’m sad and scared, I almost break down. But when I remember I’ve felt this before. I’ve felt this internal shift before, it was scary then too but now I know I’m doing this performance piece correctly. I am truly offering my body to my work. It’s mine.

I go to bed, relieved the day is over and I can finally rest.

I hope the dance party went well.